Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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