I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I supernannyed him into submission
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
