we have pet lesbian snakes
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
