Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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