That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
