you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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