i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she peed on how many people?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
