Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
