The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
