If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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