I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
