Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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