my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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