I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
