I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
