I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
