I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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