im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
