Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
