mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
birth control should be required to get into college
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
