you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
