Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
