That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
