just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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