You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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