If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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