Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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