I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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