People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
