You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
