When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
