I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
