My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
