there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
