Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
