I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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