I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
