Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
