So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
There are leaves in my underwear?
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