but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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