How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
