Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
