Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
