I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
