i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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