I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
