I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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