Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
