I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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