He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Im part way to drunk.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
